 Bad Times If you receive any email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately without reading it. Do not open it. This is the most dangerous virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are within twenty feet of your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerators coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you may try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother's number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide you car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940s hits and static while stuck in traffic. "Badtimes" will make you fall in love with someone who is like your Ex. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of "Badtimes," it reaches out from beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It will rewrite your backup on your computer, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences. "Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm disease and shingles. It will leave the toilet seat up and the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk carton with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs. Be afraid. Be very afraid! | |